I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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