Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
