I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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