Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
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Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
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