last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I just threw up on my dentist
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Randomize
