I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
