There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
