just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
