It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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