i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
