today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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