On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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