when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
