I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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