Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
