I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
