ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
please come you make the beer taste better
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
