he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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