My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
