What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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