I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize