Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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