I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
