I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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