I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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