I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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