When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I need a burrito and a hug.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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