I puked a lego.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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