How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
