Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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