what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Randomize
