i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
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