walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
