Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
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