i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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