My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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