i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Randomize
