ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
