if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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