Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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