it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
