Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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