Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
