if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
