My friends, they love my intelligence
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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