I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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