I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
