This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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