Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He shit in the fireplace
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
