Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
