all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
