We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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