What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
