Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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