Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
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Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
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I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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