My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
